Be Angry. Teach Kindness.

I am angry.  I am angry that my daughters safety have to be a threat in some boys attempt to escalate another.

Life is not always sunshine and roses.  Even if you want to manifest this.  Even if you practice mediation or at least mindfulness every day.  Life can suck so hard at times it can feel like it’s pulling the air right out of you.  It is in these times to refocus that forgiveness, that compassion, and to allow those negative feelings which can rush through all of us, to come…and go.  It isn't easy, and sometimes it is just about agreeing that yes, this situation simply sucks.  This too shall pass.  Everything, our emotions, our situations, or physical responses - is temporary.

When it's about protecting those we love, sometimes we have to accept that all we can do - is what we can do, no more.  This means finding gratitude in the small things, and accepting that the bigger system may not be functioning with the same frequency.  

The principles of the universe define how energy works, how it interplays throughout our lives.  One of these is the Law of Rhythm.  Where everything in the universe works in patterns and cycles.  Part of this means understanding when we are feeling great and everything is going well, a negative event can occur just as easily.  It is all about maintaining some sort of positive vibration or at least, focusing on knowing a positive will return to us soon.  Lately I have been thinking about how systemic issues make so many of us feel stuck.  We can't change racism, sexism, war, sexualized culture or intergenerational traumas overnight. 

Part of being a helping professional is accepting that we live in a world full of issues, and we are not necessarily going to change these issues for ourselves, for our clients, or even more importantly for our children.  It turns into more about radical acceptance.  Learning to accept the issues for what they are, but not to the point where we allow or accept them helplessly.  That in some small way we advocate, teach others, and understand that these issues, are valid and not unjust.  That we can find our peace, even when surrounded by chaos, but sometimes it's ok to be frustrated at that system we are a part of.

My energy has been tested the past few days, and I have had to recenter and refocus towards the positives.  This blog post may seem a little more rough around the edges due to that.  It isn't my typical psycho-educational piece around positive energy.  And, trigger warning, the word and discussion around rape is in here.

My biggest lesson in all of this has been that my anger is not nearly as frightening as bitterness could be.  Getting angry, especially when the message is 'I do not deserve to be treated this way' is not a negative action, it doesn't need attached shame.  Anger, if it is used to advocate and support, cleans the way for justice and creates the ability to restore values.

As we approach bullying week in November my family has gotten first hand experience on the damages that bullying can do.  Writing, I remembered this morning, is my biggest, deepest, healing power. I have been trying to meditate and positive think these emotions away, but it has always been writing that was most powerful for me.  So here we go.  Write, and be happy.

I have been wondering, what does the parent of the bully feel? 

Do they go through the same stages of disbelief, frustration, sadness that the parent of the one victimized does?  In the moment when I heard the accusation that my stepson was the one being the bully I felt frustration, shame, curiousness.  Was he really the aggressor? Could it be?  Had we made some error along the way and he had betrayed our major lessons about how to treat others?  Had we been embarrassingly blind to who he was at his core?  I wonder as I write this, if the parents of the true bully have these thoughts.  No part of me believes our son was the aggressor now.  I have seen videos, read accounts from others, and heard of apologies that no-one stood up for him.  I am sure he was not innocent, but I am also sure he was not the instigator.

As a parent I want to protect my girls, and my stepson, from being hurt the way I was.  Not from daily pain, not from mistakes or learning from errors.  But I do not want them to have to be in therapy for trauma or violence to the levels that I have experienced in my life.  Don't most of us just want our children to be safe, happy, and grow up to be good people?  I am sure that the parents of the bully want what is best for their children.  I am just not sure if the best is always defending their behaviours.

Our need to protect our children is primal.   Mine also comes from my own survival.  I lived through a lot of complex traumas.  I am strong, I am healed, I am intelligent, and I know right from wrong on so many levels.  I am also a social worker, and capable of taking multiple sides, of being neutral when needed.  I make that young broken girl I was very impressed, and I continue to strive to be better in all ways.  My protective mama need is based in love.  It is deep, beautiful, and sometimes frightening.  

My son has had issues on the bus for a couple years now.  Mainly with one boy.  It began in what I felt was harmless.  Doesn’t it usually?  He tends to come home and tell us every little thing that occurred in the school.  He is neurodivergent, he is different, his thought process is mainly logic based.  My partner taught him to ‘trash talk’ to defend himself.  I admit, it is incredibly annoying because his sarcasm at times can be pretty cutting.  He and his Dad made a deal that the trash talk would never go so far as to insult another person's family as that is too personal.  The one time he did, he had asked permission beforehand then after reflection, when I explained how it may have made the boy feel, our son went and apologized.  

So on the bus these issues, throwing paper, trash talk, they seemed relatively ‘boys will be boys’ level.  Which is an awful saying and really should no longer exist in our mentality or language, but I too am guilty of using it.  I will not use it again.

I grew up with boys, an older brother who was pretty aggressive to me, two younger that were wild and rough, many male cousins, and uncles.  But they were also fiercely protective.   We were taught honour and in my sometimes misogynistic family, that women were to be respected, protected, and not always the ones that had to do the heavy work.  I know, from the experience of being a sister, and being around their friends, that boys wrestle, they say stupid things, they throw things and try to get the other boy to react.  I falsely assumed that is what was occurring between our son and the one on the bus.  I told him to defend himself, to do it back, to trash talk, or to just ignore it and not react.  

Last year my husband interjected on what was happening on the bus when our son had a cast and the boy poured water on him.  They were to be separated on the bus.  This lasted a few days, and, it continued.  At the time I considered going to the parents, but we figured since the school was handling it, it would be done.

About two weeks ago my son came home from the bus with a wet shirt.  I asked him what happened and he told me the boy had thrown water on him again, after telling him that his ‘sister is cute’ insinuating he was going to do something to her.  He asked for permission to get physical if the boy should say anything else about her.  We both assumed he meant my 9 year old.  I also have a 2.5 year old daughter.  Which daughter was he talking about?  I told him to do what he needed to do to defend himself, that I would defend him for it.  

Well, it didn’t stop.  He did come home and let us know he had tried the head lock sometime in between then and the next time we heard about the boy (who is a grade lower) saying something about his sister again.  We have since seen a video of the physical altercation.  Our son is standing at the back seat, the boy standing in the seat in front of him.  The boy is slapping at our son, physically making contact and our son sits back down trying to disengage after trying to defend himself, then is slapped at again and he puts the boy in that headlock.  Then releases him, sits down and tries to disengage.  I will add, during the headlock the boy's hat fell off and our son is trying (even while keeping the boy in a headlock) to reach the hat so he can give it back.  That is who he is.  He doesn't want violence, he is afraid of conflict.  He just wants to belong.  

Our son came home this past Thursday to tell us that the boy had threatened to '‘diddle’ his sister again, cause she liked it.'  Uhm... what?!?!

These people seem like decent people, not the kind of people that would raise a boy to talk like this.  But then, what kind of people do?

Hell no, there was no way this kid was going to get away with threatening to hurt one of my precious girls.  My youngest is currently just past the age where my sexual abuse began.  My oldest is entering the years where her body and the connection to peers will be changing.  She is innocent, she has no idea yet of the dangers that lurk in the world just because she is a girl.  She deserves to feel safe.  I wondered, had the boy ever been around either of them? They live by the park, is it possible?  Surely not.  I do not think it has occurred.  And it will be over my dead body that it does.

We figured we could stop by, have a quick discussion with the parents, and logically come up with a plan so that this ended now.  I wrongly assumed that they would be just as horrified that their son would threaten my girls sexually as we were.  That they would understand how far that goes, for both boys.  I hoped we could keep our son from doing anything more and it would all end.  I am not sure why I didn’t remember that nice houses do not mean nice people live there.  Sometimes, pretty houses hide ugliness.  It is quite a simple rule.  Do not judge a book by its cover, right? 

Well, it’s an understatement to say that it didn’t go well.  The woman took time to answer the door, as her son was telling her a lot behind it.  When she came she was already angry, and said the first red flag, where I knew that we were in trouble.  It was “I know my son and he would never…”.  Having worked with youth, with children, and with families this is an instant red flag.  None of us ‘know’ our children to the extent where we can be assured they will not surprise us. 

Our children are extensions of us, but they are their own creatures, with their own experiences, thoughts, reactions, and emotions.  Knowing that they may do, say, or act in ways that will shock, surprise, disappoint and enrage us at times is just part of unconditional love.  Every parent I have ever worked with who said these words was incapable of looking at their child in a light of understanding this.  The harsh reality is we know what we have taught our children, we do not know what they have necessarily chosen to learn.  Not until they are fully grown and capable of showing us their impulse control.  We can trust them, but trusting they may not make errors that shock us, its just not possible.

Fair enough, we showed up on her door step, which must have been a shock.  Fair enough, when she yelled, I yelled too.  Fair enough, she had likely received a very different story than what we did. But during this interaction she called me names.  She said our son had 'issues', and is disabled.  She insulted my intelligence.  She repeatedly interrupted, belittled and talked over me.  She was, quite frankly, taking a victim stance.  At one point after about the 10th time being cut off and interrupted, I told her to shut the f up.  She swore numerous times.  I recorded most of the conversation, and having played it back realized that though I felt as if I was shouting and was so ashamed I became angry, I actually wasn't, she was.  I was voicing that I felt frustrated, and that she kept interrupting.  I realized, she wasn't just a mother who was defensive, she is an old-mean girl.

 Oh, those mean girls.  I remember those mean girls from my own school bullying days all too well.  When I was the new girl, and I was totally embarrassingly awkward.  I was a country girl in an unfamiliar city, strange in all ways, frightening, and where the girls and boys were not quite so innocent and very far from kind.  I was a target within the first few months.  I didn’t understand their jokes, their culture, and I was oblivious to what I needed to do to fit in.  A preteen girl with a horrible hair cut, too chubby, too quiet, and socially awkward.    

Hurt people, hurt people.  And after the conversation we attempted to have with this woman, we now have a clear picture of why her son is the way he is.

I know that my children are not perfect.  I am definitely far from perfect.  I yell sometimes.  I swear WAY too much. I felt guilty for the f bomb I dropped afterwards.  Like that angry girl from deep inside me is still lurking.  But I think there is a difference between being out of control, and insulting another, and just not tolerating being treated poorly.  I actually remained relatively calm during the discussion despite what was being said to me, I recorded it, and have listened back.  Her story changed, her words were an attack, her accusations were senseless, she called me names.  I did not call her any names, the old me would have.  In fact that old me would have been pretty out of control!

Her son, according to her, was the only victim, and our son had ‘issues’.  Our son threatened to harm her whole family and animals - the animal part is why we do not believe that he said this.  At one point she did admit that it took both boys to continue.  But then she laughed, rolled her eyes and shook her head at the sexual molestation threats to my daughters.  During the discussion her 'innocent' son was staring out a window grinning.

Other kids on the bus have been unable to confirm our son said any threats, but multiple boys have confirmed her son did threaten to molest and rape my girls.  In fact, they have apologized for standing by, and said it was wrong.  I wish I knew the parents of the boy that apologized, I would like his parents to know what a good man they are raising.

Sometimes, as a mother, I say the wrong thing.  Sometimes I don’t have enough patience or time.  But I know I am good at unconditional love.  I learned about unconditional love from my wild, sometimes infuriating younger brother.  No matter the mistake, no matter the issue, love remains.  Did you hurt someone at school, let’s look at what happened, and see how we can take accountability and handle it differently in the future.  Did you bite your sister? (Remember I have a 2.5 year old). How about if you want attention you tap her on the arm instead.  Say sorry, show your appreciation for others, and try to be good, decent little person.

When we returned home, after this attempt at coming to a resolution, our son gave us a list of what the boy has said.  That's when the reality of how ugly it was hit me.  I am glad this list occurred after the discussion.

This boy called our son a ‘retard’, and a loser.  He did the ‘your mother’ language which I know is just the way a lot of teenagers try to be funny.  But it wasn’t funny to see that he had also said he ‘raped his sister’ and that he was going to ‘diddle her again’, that she ‘liked it’.  Not once, but REPEATEDLY.   He even threatened to rape our son.  These accusations and threats are beyond normal teenage banter.  Much, much, much beyond.  These words are so filled with violent hate that I do not even like to put them in this writing.  A girl accusing a boy of such behaviour will permanently damage him, I have seen it.  Yet this boy was - putting it on himself.  What can this even mean?

So it was those words, used in such a casual tone, that have affected me so deeply. 

My compassion for my son having had to sit through those words.  To go daily in fear, worrying he was going to have to take on multiple boys if he tried to defend his sisters honour.  My protective ‘mama bear’ to keep my girls safe.  The triggering effect of the words on my own survival from acts of violence against me just because I am a female.  I have survived childhood sexual abuse, numerous sexual assaults.  I support girls and women constantly that have had to face the same.  I am not okay with boys using the language of rape or child molestation in a way that makes it a ‘joke’.  I am still in shock any parent would be.

Anyone who has a loved one, or they themselves been through such horrendous acts knows that these words are not to be taken lightly.  Yet, over the past few days it seems to be taken very lightly by others.  The school (we reported it) called it a mutual escalation between the boys where it reached this 'level' as the other boy attempted to ‘poke the bear’.  The mother laughed at the words of ‘diddling’ or the concern that I had that her son lived beside the park and could access children.  She said I had ‘tunnel vision’.  The police assured me they take it seriously.  But do they?  Do they understand that these threats should never be coming from a 16 year old boy's mouth?

Boys do not have the same experience as girls.  As girls we do not have the privilege of safety prior to assault.  Our safety is gone from the moment we are born in this world as females. We have to be taught to defend ourselves, and if we are pretty it is even more of a threat to our safety.  If we wear something that accentuates our beauty, look out.  If we are 'cute' it is just expected we will be looked at because of that.  Don't walk in the dark, don't forget to carry your rape whistle, don't forget to cover your drink at the bar, don't forget to be aware who is around you at the party.  Boys do not get taught these things.  

In the past two weeks there have been four situations where girls have been assaulted or threatened sexually in my professional and my personal life.  They range in ages from 6 to 17.  Their assailants were from 6 to 30.  Why do we need to teach our girls that to protect themselves they need to be aware that they could be victimized at any given moment from the opposite gender.  It is so - unfair.  Why have we not come anywhere close to change as a society in the last one hundred years other than acknowledging it as an issue.  Because I know, there has been parades, there has been bra burning, there has been many many protests and marches, yet other than awareness we are the same.

What this boy said damages that safety net that I have held around my girls, because he would even think for an instant it was ok to threaten them in a sexual, predatory way.  His words have threatened them in a way that I have fought so hard to protect them from.  I will not let my oldest know what was said, because it will take away her innocence in a way that she doesn't deserve to lose.  Not yet.  She doesn't deserve to learn that boys feel that they can use her body for banter.  That using the word ‘rape’ against her is okay to do.  I do not want her to know, at least not yet, that there may be women out there that protect their sons and allow them to use ‘rape’ and ‘diddling’ as casual words in banter.

These words are hate filled, violent threats against our gender, our safety, our ability to have control over our own bodies.  Those parents, defending their boy in saying such words - and they have a daughter themselves - is what is creating so many more issues in our culture.  I have to put my daughter into karate, into defensive lessons, because parents like that allow their children to not only say such things, but defend them when they do.  Is it the language they use themselves?  Is it from the video games?  Does it matter? 

At the time of all these statements, not one boy stood up on that bus and said ‘woah, that’s too far’, while it was happening.  They were too afraid.  Will they be too afraid at a party when the drunk girl passes out and boys assault her?  I can not for a moment imagine allowing my son to use the word rape in such a casual way.  He would be writing a letter of apology that same day.  I am angry, and, I have realized, I should be.

I keep trying to put my compassionate hat on, my social work side, to understand.  There is just nothing I can comprehend about it being acceptable.  As a girl mom, as a survivor, as someone who continues to work with others that are struggling with sexual assault, it is just not okay.   It is ugly.  It means that no matter how far we have come as a society in understanding and trying to accept those that are at risk, those that are privileged in comparison to others, we are really no different than we were 100s of years ago.  It is no safer to be a girl today, than it was when my great great grandmother was a girl.  

So, I guess, the answer lies in teaching my girls safety.  In telling them, to kick those boys right where it hurts when they are threatened, and that their bodies are their own, no matter how others may use them as ‘banter’.  I will continue to teach my children that there is positive and negative in the world, and that their responsibility is to find forgiveness, but also, they deserve to be treated with respect.  I will teach them that we are energy, and to be aware it shifts, changes, and so too does the world with ups and downs. 

It is okay to be outraged, to be frustrated, to be disappointed that anyone would allow their child to say these things.  So my shame is gone.  I swore.  So what.  It is a situation that demands a few 'f' bombs.  I raised my voice.  It is a situation that needs a raised voice.  Our voices need to be heard.  

Let’s teach our children to respect girls.  Let's teach boys to respect girls.  Let's teach our boys to be the ones that stand up and say "No, you can't say that, it's not okay."  To apologize to the brother who has to tolerate a ugly boy saying ugly threats of rape and molestation to his sister.  Let's teach our girls that their safety depends on not accepting this kind of language from any of the males in their lives.  If your a boy mom, and you teach your sons these things, I applaud you.  If you teach your sons that even if it is their friend saying these things they stand up for what is right, then I applaud you.  Knowing you are out there somewhere, raises my energy, I feel hope, knowing that even one boy apologized for having allowed this language in front of him.  It means there is hope for some of these boys to be good men.  

Sometimes things are unjust, there is disappointment, frustration, and anger with these situations.  Understanding that this issue is bigger than these boys on the bus bantering and some bullying.  It is generational, it is cultural, it is systemic, it needs to change.  There are small things we can do as parents ourselves, to support the change in our children.  We do not have control over others, but teaching our children about awareness is important.  Teaching them language has power. 

Find gratitude, recenter, up your vibrational frequency to positive and refocus to what is good, not to remain focused on what is out of control.  Stop watching news daily, or at least in the morning.  Raise your energy back up, when you are faced with systemic issues.  There can be change in you.

I am grateful to those that have supported us during this.  I am grateful that my girls have had a very different world than I had.  I will continue to advocate that they always do.  I will get them selfdefense lessons, and teach them how to protect themselves.  I will continue to hope that in time girls will be just a little safer.

I forgive the boy.  I forgive the parents.  Perhaps they are so busy he plays those horrible video games too much.  Perhaps she had a horrible day the day we showed up and was already stressed, exhausted and frustrated.  Perhaps she is dealing with ill parents, or the death of a loved one.  Who knows.  Everyone has their own story.  Did I deserve to be insulted and belittled? Nope.  Does my son deserve to be bullied?  Nope.  But that's on them, not on us.  Usually people hurl insults that is their own truth, a reflection of themselves.  Which is why the boys words are even more concerning.  Forgiveness does not mean tolerance, and I will tolerate no more hate words against any of my children.  I will not tolerate threats of rape, or molestation ever.

I know my worth, I know my value.  I know my energy.  I reclaim it.

Be your best potential - be courageous, be compassionate, be different.